Another stream of conscious [afternote: this post turned out much more personal than I expected but it is what it is].
Today I went to Berkeley to see a friend from high school whom I hadn’t seen for 3 years. We’d seen each other sporadically throughout college but we’ve mostly lost touch. We used to be so close way back when. We were each others’ muses for our art projects, modeling for and critiquing each others’ work. I spent 5 hours once trying to dread all of their straight, jet black hair. As mutual lefties, we made each other learn how to write backwards so we could write lengthy letters and poetry to each other throughout the day.
As cheesy as it sounds, as soon as we met up it was like no time had passed at all. We giggled and teased as we cooked a massive brunch and ate it on a warm sunny porch.
Our worlds aren’t parallel in the same way any more. Which is normal. There were times today when we talked about our lives when I felt that obvious rift. Still, when I saw them today I remembered that feeling I had felt when we first became friends, that I had finally found someone who was my kind. I was so relieved that they existed. After a few years of hazing at my middle school and the resulting resentfulness towards everyone around me, the relief was huge.
I was a bit nervous before seeing them because I thought we’d both changed too much for us to be recognizable. Maybe we spent enough time during such a sensitive and formative period that we might forever recognize that imprint in each other when we meet. Whatever it is, it was so great to see them.
Afterwards, I went to my aunt at the Oakland Museum to get a sneak peek of her environmental habitat exhibition that is opening up next month. She’s been working on it for the past few years and it’s gonna be so cool.
Anyway, the entire museum is incredible including the current exhibit of Hung Liu’s lifetime work. A separate display had a series of portraits all displayed very close together in a big mass and you could draw your own face at a booth next to it, and it would display it on one of the frames. This is the one I did very hurriedly and with not much control:
Feb 27, 2006
you’re stretched and exposed
laying on the wet pavement.
why leave the warm dirt?
Feb 14, 2006
I see them and smile
only to have crack my lip
a faint hint of blood
Oct 1, 2005
Current mood: chipper
I believe that my recent experiences at UC Santa Cruz can be aptly described in Haiku form:
Silhoutte by moon
Our eyes were locked in still time
Deer, please don’t attack
The soup, too soupy
Dining hall food will get old
Toast is always safe
On the way to class
Constant surrounds of the trees
My stoic giants
Dec 18, 2004
I had forgotten how nice mayfield is the week before Christmas. They decorate a tree in the entrance of the house and wrap the wood-carved stairwell with lights and christmas branches. Though i do have my mixed feelings about the holiday. I love it for the giddiness, family, warmth and all but I HATE it. The two main reasons are 1) Christmas songs and 2) The fact that Christmas has to clash with the complicated psychology of Japanese gift-giving culture.
Let me elaborate. I don’t even think people in Japan can exactly explain all the rules and the ins and outs of everything involved with giving anything. You never “just give a present to someone” because you have to have a speech prepared showing your utter humility and low-liness (is that a word?) compared to the person you’re giving to. Then, the person who receives the gift will have to either a) give back a present or b) write a thank you card emphasizing how you are not worthy of the gift (even if its a plate of cookies).
ANyways, that surely isnt the end of it. I guess im in awe of people who can just give/get a present & not really think twice about it. Christmas could be better if we just didnt have so many expectations. Its always hyped up to be more than it actually is, and when the day comes, I find im always disappointed. Not for lack of gifts or anything, but the momentum before it doesnt match the anti-climacity of the day itself. As my grandma says, “God knows I’m not christian, but I like Christmas. I’m just a practicing Pagan celebrating the winter solstice.”
one of the my first posts from November 2004 when I was senior in high school. Funny.
Current mood: pleased
Teary eyed, I drove myself home from the election party at Claudia’s. I drove slow, stopping every time my soul felt like sighing. 269 electoral votes. We were already doomed. But I just didn’t understand…Couldn’t comprehend why this election, with the greatest voter turnout in US history, had picked a man so dispicable, hypocritical, heretical, and corrupt…And not care. They…don’t…care…But wait. Is it that they are selfish enough to take none of this for consideration, or is it that they simply are unaware and blindsighted to everything that does not directly inflict their lives?
And I thought. And pondered, then my moment of enlightenment came to me. It was as if the clouds parted and God itself touched the top of my little head. And this is what I came up with… I’m going major in political science and business. After college I’m going to start a business. One that will be the model for this society. I’m not sure what I’m going to produce, but its doesnt matter. The initiative for the company won’t be profit, only the simple goal of achieving complete well-being of the people, both customers and laborers. It will show how society should, and is ABLE to work. I’ll start a movement of Knowledge. From tomorrow, I’m going to read the Bible. Not because I’m christian, but because the majority of america is christian. I want to be able to show them the complete duality in their beliefs.
They believe in the Iraq war, but Jesus was a complete pacifist. the republicans are pro-business, less taxation of the rich, but Jesus once said, “It is easier for a camel to fit through a whole in a needle than for a rich man to get to heaven.” But I dont want to only point these things out to the masses, but also the flaws in the democratic party. We need to leave this linear spectrum of Conservatism on one side and Liberalism on the other. Politics CAN’T be forced into this simple formula. I realized today how many factors go into this, and people need to realize this as well.
Do I need to go to law school for people to listen to me? Do i need to be a writer? I need to establish myself in this society, using my elbows and my teeth. I mean, the reality is that I’m female so its going to be hard. Very hard. But I believe that being an entrepreneur will allow me to create a new business model for the future. To show them that you can survive in this economy AND be ethical. Is this a reach? To attempt to reconstruct the mentality of the American people? To bring back Democracy how it really should be, where the people are educated and aware of the real problems and issues of our lifetimes? I damn well hope so because it is weren’t it wouldnt be half as exciting an undertaking than it is. I’d like to hear people’s input on this. Do you agree?