on Monday i felt good—stressed, but good. my day started early with a conference call, dense with meetings, and ended with me teaching choreography to some others in preparation for the big climate action that was planned for this weekend in Oakland. By the time i was in bed, i was exhausted by the full day while undeniably worried about the things I didn’t get to.
dammit i didn’t respond to that email yet and i didn’t get a chance to check in with **** about that task why can’t i get that blog post done yet that doc has been open for a week now would ***** think it’s rude if i didn’t respond to that DM i just don’t know what to say fuck i think my roommates and i need to sort that issue out but it’s impossible for us to meet in person i have to write a diplomatic email to everyone man i really don’t like my hair right now is getting a haircut for growing it out a thing i haven’t been eating healthy enough i need to make better lunches for myself that conference is coming up i have so much to do for it, for all of it ………….
on Tuesday i woke up feeling, again, like a creaky old lady. My body hurt, my head hurt, my throat hurt. But i had some stressful calls i had to do so i worked all day from bed in wrapped in my down comforter wearing two layers on all my body. my teeth still chattered. It got really bad by the evening—sweats, fever, no appetite, and god awful pain everywhere—it was even worse by the next morning. People close to me thought i was dying and told me to go see my doctor.
She shined a light down my throat and says “Yikes. That’s strep alright.”
She then told me the lymph nodes in my neck were so swollen i might have to get them drained. wut. o_o “I’ll set up an appointment for you at a head and neck specialist tomorrow morning. In the meantime, I’m gonna get you going on antibiotics.” i told her this was the second time i got it in 6 months. “Have you been under some stress lately?”
thankfully the head+neck specialist didn’t need to drain anything nor remove my tonsils (yay) but also asked me about my stress. “y’know, that can have a huge impact on health—not sleeping well, not eating right—it can all add up and do a real number on your immune system.”
yes, fine. i’m stressed. i always have so much to do and so much on my mind. maybe it’s that i wake up every morning and listen to Democracy Now’s war and peace report, a thing i started to do as a way to motivate myself to fix the broken messed up world. i can’t give that up though—the constant hum of indignation that i feel in my bones is a part of who i am. it colors my actions and decision every day to do work that could make the world better, more just, or just make some more goddamn sense.
i don’t know. i think it’s a lot of things i need to reassess about my life, but i’m not gonna stress about my stress. i’m gonna try and stop worrying about things that are out of my control and that aren’t part of my current task at hand. to be more present throughout the day so that i’m still productive, but not wasting my brain-energy fuel on those dumb nagging feelings in a way that’s unhelpful and exhausting. that’s probably a good first step.